Life overwhelming…


It’s been a bit longer than a week as you can tell from the date of my last post.  Life reared it’s head, drew my attention away to do things that had to be done, things that required patience, constant vigilance, all of my heart and finally choices.  It involved the diagnosis of cancer in one of my closest family members, my baby sister.

It was the end of 2014, when we discovered why she was coughing for no reason.  Why she just was not herself. When I first learned of the situation I was away from home, working on a year long contract. My world reeled, my mind went into overdrive trying to figure out what it meant, and what to do.  It was one of those moments when you needed to hear what has been said several times before it solidified in your reality.

My immediate thought?  We had lost our middle sister two years ago, was i going to lose another?  It brought me up quick, my resolve hit overdrive and I began packing. Like hell was I letting anyone one else go.  I had skipped right through denial and went straight for all out war.

I made hard choices without regard to what it meant to me or regret.  I rearranged my life to be there for her. Even so, in deep soul searching thought late at night when I would hear her on her knees in the bathroom losing what nourishment she had been able to keep down during the day, I wondered what it was the Master Architect really had in mind for her and I to learn in this life.

I mulled on it over the long trips to the oncology hospital, the long waits as she allowed the potent medicine to filter into her system, the invariable sickness on the drive home, and the ensuing days after tending to her, and keeping the germ filled world at bay.

I wondered at the reasoning behind why she had to suffer the indignities of her body fighting medicine and illness, and the thoughts she entertained in her silence.  The instances of near death, and the slow climb back to the living.

Even so, we went on one step at a time, focused on one thing, winning the war.  Fighting. Enduring.  Days, weeks, months until today.  Today she has returned to her old life.  Not whole, she has lost much on her journey, but she lives and that is monumental.  We were lucky.  Both of us aware there must be something more the Master Architect wants us to learn.

I’ve spent this life watching, learning, and giving thought to the things that have come at me. There have been a lot and while it may sound like it, I am not complaining. Throughout the journey so far, I had candid one sided conversations with the man above, questioning, bargaining, whining, but he hasn’t relented. In the end, I am glad.  Oh, I did not relish the side trips, some of the lessons were very painful, heart shattering and life changing but I can say they all eventually had merit.  Every single one of them.   The lessons they taught, or revealed became tenets of who I am, and what I believe.

If that is the Master Architect’s intent, well what better purpose for a life?   The Who we become, is molded, fashioned and hardened by the lessons this trip around gives us.  And in the end, it’s the only thing he allows us to take along for the next ride…